Freelance writing isn't earning me a living these days, so it's time to explore some other career options. Perhaps you'd like to join me in some of these potential endeavors. I am a team player:
1. Character Assassin. I'm too old for law school, so I need a career I can jump right into. While this would draw upon the less-positive aspects of my creativity, I'm sure I'd be good at it once I found the right target. Since the current crop of Hollywood stars seems to be expert at doing themselves bad turns, that leaves me with politicians, I guess. But do Sarah Palin and her ilk actually need a character assassin? It seems they're managing quite well on their own, too. Damn.
2. Pirate. You know how they're always telling you just to do what you love and the money will follow? I can see that happening as a pirate. Even if I'm a teetotaling pirate, I can still swear and debauch, and wave my sword threateningly while flashing my teeth. The problem is that I need a boat to be a pirate. I've thought of hijacking a Swan Boat in the Public Garden and becoming the Fearsome Pirate of the Lagoon. Eventually I could maybe get the boat into the Charles, and then — the High Seas! Swan Boats aren't that seaworthy, but it would be a start and I could work my way up. But it's hard to be a solo pirate; I'd need a band of scurvy knaves. Any takers? The only requirement is that you wear at least one braid, real or fake, somewhere on your person.
3. Funeral Arranger. A friend of mine actually might have some openings soon in the funerary marketplace. It sounds like a bit of a downer, but somebody has to do it and we wouldn't have to get involved in any actual embalming. Just cremation. But we'd have to work weekends and do the occasional ash-scattering and psalm readings ourselves.
4. Bank Robber. The Boston crime market seems saturated with bank robbers, but I suppose business is booming for a reason. And there are still a few banks that haven't been robbed recently — although that number shrinks almost every day. I would need someone to drive the getaway car; I don't have a license. I'd also need someone to do the actual robbery. If there's one thing I hate, it's standing in line at the bank. Any takers on this one? It could be an exciting, rewarding partnership, especially if I don't have to do any of the risky stuff. But I'll count the loot; I'm very accomplished at putting change into those little paper rolls.
5. Street Musician. I have this old violin with rotten strings and a messed-up bow. I don't know how to play it. In the right places, at the right times, I could probably earn decent money by agreeing to put it back in its case.
6. Nun Impersonator. You could call me up and I'd come to your house and loudly and eloquently threaten your loved ones with eternal suffering in the Fiery Pit if they don't clean up their Man Cave, or whatever. I just need to warn you that this will be expensive. The last time I put on a habit, the wimple gave me a head-banging migraine. This was the ultimate proof that I'd only imagined that I had a religious vocation back in high school. I was not cut out to be a nun, even though I can play one on TV.
7. Cowboy. When was the last time you saw any cattle in Boston? Think! Obviously, our cows are all very, very lost and need rounding up. A bunch of us cowboys on mustangs could easily fix this problem. This seems like it should be a Public Works position, though, and it could take me a while to lobby the Council to agree to add it to the budget. But if you can prove you are a City resident, you're welcome to apply to ride herd with me.
8. Life Coach. Just because I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life doesn't mean I can't help you figure out what to do with yours. There's probably some no-brainer online course I can take to get certified. Then I'd be ready to help others find brilliant new careers. As robbers and pirates, for example. What am I waiting for?