Friday, July 31, 2009

How to Tell if He's the Right Guy

People always say "You'll just know," when you've finally met the right guy. But if you're even a fraction as neurotic as I am, a statement like that will drive you crazy. When did you ever "just know" anything worth knowing? If you're like me, you can spend several weeks trying to decide about a sweater. And this would be after you've narrowed the options down to one style and three colors. Forget trying to pick a wall color, a sofa, a job, or a man purely on gut instinct. Fortunately, there are other, more concrete ways to "know." Here's a partial list.

Your perfect guy:

1. Can imitate several characters from The Godfather. (None of them should be Connie, but Kay is all right.)

2. Is simply the best person you know. The kindest, smartest, most decent, funniest, most thoughtful, most impressive, and yet humblest person you know. You may be wrong, of course. But you don't think you are.

3. Knows how to surprise you in little, delightful ways. Rather than predictable red roses, you receive impromptu sunflower bouquets. Or cupcakes from your favorite bakery.

4. Makes you feel safe and cherished. And smart. And funny — and all the things he actually is.

5. Does his share of the dirty work, or more. Cares for animals and sick relatives. Cleans up disgusting messes. Makes a fine impression at family events. Accompanies you to scary doctor appointments. Goes grocery shopping without being asked.

6. Gives you the right kind of chills. And makes you weak in the knees. And can also slow-dance.

7. Doesn't bite back.

8. Loves his mother. But not too much.

9. Won't gamble, cheat, lie, steal, or get overdrawn, abusive, drunk, or high. You might think this one is stupidly obvious — but then why do so many women suffer with losers who do these things? Read the papers.

10. Is hilariously incompetent at a few basic things, like scrambling eggs or using the land line. You can feel mildly superior without causing trouble.

11. Loves his work. Bonus points if he does something you find interesting, as opposed to, say, underwriting. You'll have plenty to talk about. More points if he finds your work interesting, too.

12. Has at least a few very good male friends.

13. Never bores you. With the right guy, you will never run out of things to talk about. And if you do, you can both just start making stuff up in funny foreign accents. This is one is absolutely a deal-breaker.

14. Loves you even though you can never make up your mind.

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