Friday, February 19, 2010

Skating Around the Competition

Is it just me, or is figure-skating a little more boring than it used to be? With so many jumps to get through, there's an awful lot of tedious ice-crossing and speed-building, getting into position for another combination. Then you wait for the requisite footwork sequences and a couple of strategic spins. With any luck, the skater is brave and throws in more jumps in the second half the program and probably doesn't execute them terribly well. And, voilĂ , another skating program is over, which looked a lot like the one before it.

With so much time in-between bouts of interesting choreography, I find my brain going on all sorts of tangents, wondering:
  • When did pairs' costumes stop matching? Many of the costumes are so different in color and style that it looks as though some of them swapped partners just before the competition began. And while I'm not a big advocate for glitter on men, a few of the guys looked like they just came home from the office and changed into skates.
  • Why would anyone in their right mind skate to "The Way We Were" or "Theme from Love Story"?
  • Is there any graceful way for a woman to descend from a lift? I haven't seen it yet.
  • Who took the death out of the death spiral? I only saw one in the whole pairs competition that made me catch my breath.
  • Why are all the Chinese skating outfits so much more gorgeous than the rest?
  • What sort of shore bird does Plushenko most resemble? 
  • If the German pair can skate in silly Pierrot costumes to horrible music and still hold my interest, they must be good.
  • What is that goop in Evan Lysacek's hair? And is it bronzer or spray tan that's turned him orange?
  • Men should never wear sheer chiffon sleeves. No arguments, it's final.
  • Johnny Weir can wear anything he chooses, and he deserved higher marks for his long program.
  • Do men ever do layback spins?
  • Might I be getting even bitchier than Dick Button?
  • Why would a skater go into Olympic competition with a badly frayed skate lace? Laces wear out quickly, so spend $2 to ensure that yours survive your long program.
  • Do skaters keep dumping coach Frank Carroll because he never smiles? Is he even crankier than Button? When he finally smiled when Lysacek won his medal, he looked like a different person.
  • Does the Russian skating coach dye her hair to match her fur coat, or vice versa?
  • Between the snakes on his costume and his Snape-like greasy black hair, is Evan Lysacek from Slytherin? Should I be rooting for him after all?

2 comments:

  1. Wow, I have no idea what you're talking about...

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  2. Very funny. I can't bear watching the skating any more, and I think you've just explained to me exactly why. Remember the glory days of Robin Cousins and his contemporaries? Yes, I'm that old.

    Downhill skiing, on the other hand, now that's addictive viewing!

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