Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Eau Neau

I invented a cologne for cats in a dream last night.

This was an improvement over my dream the night before, where I was an advertising copywriter and our new account was a small, unpronounceable town in Bulgaria, seeking tourists. Figuring that one out was challenging; I remember taking copious notes. But at least Don Draper was running the meeting. I like most of my dreams.

The concept of my feline cologne, called "Eau Neau," is to make cats more attractive to each other — reducing conflict in multi-cat situations — and to boost cats' self esteem, making them happier and more outgoing.

The ingredients, as I recall, were oils of catnip and honeysuckle for the base notes, since one or both of these will make almost all cats delirious with happiness. Also in the formula were eau de mouse, eau de mole, eau de vole, and eau de birdie as top and middle notes. (You need obscure, rare ingredients to sell a cologne these days; I even know that in my sleep.) Another key ingredient is whatever they put in Old Spice deodorant that drives both Snicky and Wendy to burrow enthusiastically into my husband's armpits and roll around on any used T-shirt he leaves around. Finally, I'd add a touch of balsam or pine, because cats like to smell fresh and outdoorsy, even if they never get to hunt in the woods.

I remember debating about including sardine oil in the formula, but decided to save that for my second cat cologne. Even in my sleep I know that you can't build an empire with just one cat fragrance.

Market research and feline focus groups will help determine the bottle design. But I already know that it will be sturdy and unbreakable — yet enticing to roll around on the floor.

The next step, of course, is to find a feline model and spokescat. Here is my short list:

Snicktoria has a lot of dark, temperamental charm, but her tortoiseshell coloring makes her difficult to photograph. 

Snalbert projects masculine force, but Eau Neau is a unisex scent, so he'll have to wait for the sardine spin-off.

Wendelina Pantherina is lovely and photogenic, but she is, perhaps, too feminine (some would say "prim") to be appropriate for Eau Neau.   

Wendy's other drawback as spokescat is that she only talks and behaves charmingly in certain parts of this apartment, including the windowsills, the fireplace hearths, and the bathroom, which she has designated as safe zones. Approach her anywhere else, and she'll often flee in pointless terror to hide under the sofa. 

This is not ideal spokescat behavior. Or so they tell me. So that leaves one final prospect...

Possumus P. Passamaquoddy is unfailingly photogenic and has an androgynous yet wholesome charm. He looks wild and outdoorsy yet he always remembers to cross his front paws elegantly in photo sessions. He also talks and sings rather well.

And isn't he irresistible? I think we have our winner.

Eau Neau. Look for it soon at a fragrance counter near you.


  1. Oh look like a pushover for a sweaty pit. Lovely photos...make me want to take a nap, too.

  2. Okay, I'll go along with Possum for this assignment. Now you have to invent a product for each of the other roommates.


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