Saturday, February 12, 2011

The Big One

In local news, this week's top story — as far as I'm concerned — centers on an obese raccoon. It's been living high on the hog in the Rutland Square area of the South End, foraging in the garbage and freaking people out.

The South End has apparently been having trash-stashing problems on its streets for years, attracting both local and non-local wildlife. Its trash is also notable for its quality, given all the excellent restaurants in this part of town. Just as the restaurants have gentrified the neighborhood, their trash is gentrifying the wildlife. A raccoon is not a rodent; it is a procyonid. So there.

The raccoon must be quite the connoisseur, partaking regularly of such delights as the Hammersley Bistro's renowned roast chicken, either on location or in tossed-out doggie bags.

When I mentioned this to Possum, he was curious to know more:

A discriminating cat, he has an active interest in roast chicken but almost none in raccoons. He suggested taking a stroll over to the South End to see what might be good to eat in the alleyways, if not the bistros.

But then I told him that the Rotund Raccoon of Rutland Square is rumored to weigh as much as 50 pounds. I said, "Possum, this gentleman is more than three times your size, and you are... ahem... somewhat portly yourself."

His reaction:

Possum never cares to be reminded of his increasing girth. But he was more perturbed to realize that he'd never win a tussle over a chicken carcass with an opponent three times his size. I had ruined his day.

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