Sunday, July 27, 2014

Writing for the Rich

Universal Hub posted an enticing paid blogging opportunity from Craigslist last night: "Help rich people cope with the problems of being rich. 

Here's the Craigslist post:
Emotional Writer Needed For Support Community for Affluent Individuals (Boston)
Special community for people who have earned a lot of money or been born into a wealthy family needs a blog ghostwriter. The focus of the community is providing psychological support for the problems money brings -- family tensions, unfulfillable expectations, boredom, etc. To do this you must be intimately familiar with the problems faced by wealthy people. If you grew up wealthy or through some other means can write detailed blog posts on this topic, please get in touch. 
The posts need to be highly personal, emotional and have a strong editorial voice. These are anything but generic lectures. We are looking for 3 posts per week and each post pays $30. If you're interested, please send a brief cover letter with some suggested topics so we can see that you really can come up with specific topics which touch the hearts of people from affluent families along with some writing samples of your personal, emotionally charged writing. It should all be pasted into the body of the email. We can't open attachments. Thanks!
It must feel strange to be super rich yet unable to open attachments. I guess boarding school and Ivy League educations are not what they were. Or perhaps attachments are the domain of butlers. I feel somehow obliged to reach out and help these people, who often can't handle attachments of any kind, except perhaps for poodles and polo ponies.

Living with cats is sort of like living with rich people.
Harris knows he is worth billions and requires a lot of attention.

As a retail copywriter, I wrote "emotional" paragraphs to sell practically everything — I'd spend my days writing sales copy for, say, 40 hideous garden sculptures in the shape of fat toads. I can find something positive to say about anything if I'm in the right mood (and getting paid decently). So I could easily help people who are struggling with having way too much money. I enjoy observing them, too. Some people watch birds; I like to watch rich people.*

One of the wealthy's biggest problems is that they get no sympathy from anyone who doesn't also have a ton of money, so they must be extremely careful about where and to whom they choose to unburden themselves — or risk being branded as an ungrateful, entitled jerk.  Smart rich people rarely admit to having problems of any kind to the rest of us. This makes us envy them all the more, as they seem completely fortunate, soaring serenely above everyday troubles, while remaining curiously hard to know even when they're chatty and nice. If they try to complain to rich friends who are in the same boat yacht, they'll still get nowhere because their friends will be too busy complaining back about their own wealth-induced troubles. I suppose this is why the grocery stores in all the rich enclaves I've visited have staggering inventories of alcoholic beverages and party snacks. What else can rich people do?

But here I am, eager to save the day with $30 blog posts. I'm not rich by any outward measure and see no future in that direction — only the other direction. I am terminally underachieving and underemployed; I earn next to nothing and would be starving in a rusty van by the river if my husband didn't have a good job that keeps us comfortably in the middle class. But I sure feel rich much of the time: I have a marvelous spouse and family, friends, and cats (who all believe they are super-rich, as housecats should). I'm healthy. I live in a beautiful neighborhood in a great city... even if my apartment is small and annoying in several ways. I travel to lovely places. I can buy all the burritos, baguettes, and chocolate I want. I have too many cashmere sweaters, my only addiction.* So I consider myself rich even if it doesn't look that way to a rich person. And most important, I do feel like an ass when I complain. (Not that it stops me.)

So let me be your blogging savior, Mr. and Mrs. Moneybags!

To Whom It May Concern,

I'd like to apply for your blogging position. I'm not rich myself, but I've spent decades working with the overprivileged and have come to understand their unique, embattled position in society. I can write "emotionally" about their issues. Here are some topics I'd propose:

1. Why Too Much Is Never Enough
2. Help! My Children Can't Wait for Me to Die
3. How Much Gucci Is Too Much Gucci?
4. Everyone Says I'm a Spoiled Brat, But I'm Just Being Me
5. Where's My Stuff? How to Cope with Living in Too Many Houses 
6. Six Ways to Tell if Your Lover Is a Gold-Digger
7. If "Happy Hour" Starts after Breakfast, When Will I Be Happy?
8. Running Out of Wall Space? Build a Museum!
9. Make Your World a Better Place: How to Buy Politicians 
10. Eight Clever New Ways to Say "No!" to Charities
11. They Say "Money Can't Buy Happiness"? New Ways to Prove Them Wrong
12. How to Talk to the Lower Classes, from Lawn Boys to Lawyers
13. Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Thurston Howell III

I can start blogging right away. If payment is a problem, I'll accept an equivalent amount of expired groceries and cast-off clothing in lieu of checks. (See? I really do know how it is.)

Sincerely yours,

Persis Fuller Gold 
(my nom de plume)

* You can easily spot the old-school super-rich in summer towns like Seal Harbor or on the Vineyard because they often wear ridiculously old, ratty clothing. It's not because they are charmingly oblivious to fashion or self-image. It's because they think they are blending in with the rest of us. I find it so interesting. Up to a point.

1 comment:

  1. I loved this. I also applied for that blogging job hoping I could find bored rich volunteers to help with the Ebola outbreak in West Africa.


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