Thursday, March 12, 2015

New Ways to Kill

Harris has always had a remarkably vicious demeanor, especially toward Da Bird.

As everyone knows, the standard way to kill something is to crunch it between your jaws, worrying it (i.e., shaking your head slightly but repeatedly — not talking about global warming or Ebola) until you've broken its neck and it gives up its ghost.

This technique is usually effective on mice, birds, the larger species of bug, pom-poms, socks, fuzzy green snakes, and anything suspended from a pole and a string.

Lion kills a sparkly ball.

Harris kills a comb.

For tougher victims, like recalcitrant catnip cigars and bananas, you should grab your prey with your front legs while kicking the heck out of it with your back ones. The kicking probably doesn't kill the prey any faster but it gives the impression that you are a murdering machine and helps ward off other predators. It also gives you something to do besides biting, which gets old for some of us pretty fast.

It's difficult to kick a collar.

Along those lines, I'd like to present two alternative, tooth-free, killing techniques for your consideration, courtesy of Possum. These methods are still in the early stages of development so I can't show you any photos of him in action. (This is too bad because he's been highly entertaining.) They are also still in patent review. But Possum is very excited about their potential.

Technique #1 is not uncommon among killers but so far, no one has optimized it for maximum lethality. In a nutshell, it's smothering — crouching, lying or sprawling on top of the victim until it either suffocates or dies or boredom under the confines of your fluffy torso.

Occasionally victims have also been crushed to death by this technique; this works decently on moths, for example, and the more indifferent kinds of catnip mice that don't put up much of a fight. The mere possibility of this is a good reason to bulk up one's belly by stealing food from your colleagues' bowls, says Possum.

More often, however, the prey just gets annoyed and crawls away. This is especially true when the technique has been applied to another cat. Before abandoning this method entirely, Possum is going to keep studying it. But he is also working on something new.

Technique #2 seems to be Possum's own invention. I've been watching him practice lately and, while he won't let me photograph him, I can tell you that I've never seen a cat do this before. While I'm not permitted to reveal all the details, I can say that is is an innovative, upright style of killing, possibly the only method that can be used while sitting perfectly in Ancient Egyptian Cat Statue Pose. (I guess it might be possible to kill someone by singing really badly while seated in this pose, but it would take hours.)

Our scientist, in the lab.

Possum's technique, which he has been developing experimentally with the red "cherry bomb" shown above, involves him sitting on the cherry bomb and then kicking it to death with his back feet — which are also kind of important for stability when you are sitting and you are a cat.

I never said it was easy. Possum keeps falling over. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Possum insists that I mention that he received generous grant funding for R&D from an anonymous supporter and that he is a 501(c)(3) organization, so all donations to him are tax-deductible. I have not been able to review his paperwork to verify this. It appears to be handwritten in Norwegian, so you'll have to do your own diligence before you dash off a check. (He plans to accept PayPal soon.)

1 comment:

  1. *writing out check at this very moment*

    this.. this is awesome. I love it


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