Friday, September 23, 2016

Don't Try This at Home: Dancing on the Ceiling

There's this house for sale in Somerville, offered by Brokers Collaborative. Its kitchen confuses and disorients me and I'm here to show you why. (All photos via

Tell me that's not vinyl floor tile on the ceiling:

I think it wanted to be a tin ceiling. You get a lot of bang for your buck with a tin ceiling in the kitchen, especially if you choose one of the simpler designs. A tin ceiling in this kitchen would have looked nice. They are simple to install and not that expensive. But I'm guessing that vinyl floor tile is even cheaper and easier to install — and now you can dance on this ceiling if you get urge.

Now, please tell me that those walls aren't covered in bathroom floor tile:

In many cases, tile is tile, meaning that many types of tile are suitable for both floor and wall applications. But it's not always the case. You never see white ceramic subway tile on a floor, for example. And you rarely see these tiny, inexpensive black-and-white hexagon or octagon tiles on walls. They are the classic choice for old-fashioned bathroom floors. Not walls. On the walls, they look like polka-dots. And a polka-dot kitchen is weird. It would annoy me.

The dining room in this house also has issues. First, let's check out the paneling on that soffit in the corner. How much do you want to bet that it's flooring — either wood or durable, scratch-resistant composite?

Something else in this room bothers me even more. One would think that, by now, no one would install those ceiling fixtures, which are popularly known as "boob lights" and have been for ages. One boob light is bad enough, but here we have two. They are spaced far apart, but two boob lights together is still very wrong.

It's probably not even very cold in that room, but you'd think it was freezing in there all the time.

Let's move into the living room to warm up.

Oh, my — are those rafters or is that a bookshelf on the ceiling?

We know the right answer to that question by now. This is a weird house.

We will not be going to the open house although I'm sure many eager if not desperate homebuyers will be.

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